Monday, May 21, 2007

Random Thoughts

There are times throughout the day that I realize how selfish of a person I truly am. I say this because I have people in my life that do out of the ordinary things to help others and it just comes naturally for them. Unknowingly, they just constantly remind me how unbelievably lucky I am to have had the privilege of having them in my life. I have always said it doesn't come naturally for me to think of others. (Or so it seems). It always seems that I am self consumed with my own problems--my own needs. That is so not the person I want to be.

I want all the people in my life to know that everyday I become a better person because of their influence. That even though it seems I am stubborn and do not hear a word they say--that I hear EVERY word that they say. The good and the bad.

(Thought change...)

It is so ironic--I can't remember a single thing about my childhood (good memories or bad memories) because of all the painful things that were done to me during those years, but I can tell you specifically what row I was sitting in when I sang at my best friend's mother's funeral--everyone always tells me that I have the worst memory--LOL--There is no denying--it is true--but I spent the 1st 15 years of my life making sure that I didn't remember a single thing just so I could make it through the day. It tears my heart to know now--the one "tool" that I used to help me make it through something so awful--has now become something automatic that I can't turn off.

Now that I have good memories, memories that I have made with people that I love, I have complete masses of time that are literally just blank canvases. That is why now, I take as many pictures that I can, things that I hear people say that just touch my soul and that I want to remember--I write them down--. It isn't that I am getting old and forgetting things--LOL-- it is because this "coping mechanism" (yeah--I know a Dr Phil term) is just ingrained in me--

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